the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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