I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize
