When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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