like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
