After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
