Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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