We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
