fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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