he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
