I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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