The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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