wanna go halves on a baby?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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