shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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