I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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