my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
