I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i permit you to call me
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You made out with two different species that night
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
