i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
