Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
