you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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