If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
