I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
