if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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