weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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