When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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