the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
