go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
