hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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