I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
