yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
