he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
