my room smells like sperm. sweet.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
