he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
