She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I bet he comes in French.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
