Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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