i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
