Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
