Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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