3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
