and next time when you feel me up, do it right
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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