He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
