i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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