Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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