I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
