why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
