we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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