Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
