My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
