She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
