Kiss
Puke
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
