I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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